What You Think, You Become
It was 1976, I had just turned 5 years old. I remember the day vividly.
It was a sunny Saturday in late August. I was at my mother’s girlfriend’s house in Edgewater Park, laying in her living room, engrossed in a Spiderman comic book while she and my mom sat at the dining room table laughing and chatting.
Then all hell broke loose.
This woman’s ex-boyfriend was at the front door, banging on it, yelling threats, cursing and demanding entry. I instantly felt my heart want to jump out of my chest.
I looked to my mom for comfort but instead, I saw fear on her face that I had never seen before. I began to cry as I watch these two women drop to floor and begin to crawl towards me.
The banging and yelling at the front door continued. Frantically my mom grabbed my arm and dragged me along the floor behind a thick golden drape.
We hid together, her crying and me crying.
As we hid in fear, the smashing and threats at the door grew louder and more violent. Then they stopped.
I have never forgotten this day. I can still feel the queasiness in my stomach, smell the unmistakable air of fear in the room and see the expression of terror on my mom’s face.
How can it be that I remember that experience in color and detail forty-two years later? What did this event mean to my life? How did it impact my thinking, actions, and inner self?
What You Feel You Attract
On my Soul Focused journey, I’ve come to realize that this one experience shaped my relationships with women and men in my life since that time.
Unconsciously, because of how I experienced this event, I began to distrust deeply.
Seeing my mother cowering in a state of fear that I had never seen, programmed into my subconscious mind that she could not be trusted to protect me. I felt that she put me in a place of what seemed like at the time to be life-threatening danger.
This energy of distrust brought conflict, turmoil, and emotional pain to my intimate relationships with women over the course of my life.
I also began to deeply fear the potential of violence with almost every man in my life. This experience stunted my ability to have vulnerable and authentic relationships with most men that I would encounter.
I recognize this event as the genesis of my wearing the mask of toxic masculinity. I became emotionally disassociated and disconnected in my relationships with both men and women.
Broadly, because I felt that I couldn’t fight or flee during this experience, I internalized freezing into my subconscious mind.
Freezing in the face of emotionally charged situations became a pattern.
From one event, many years ago, these ways of being became part of my unconscious internal program.
A program that I would loop over and over until my life brought me to awareness.
What You Imagine You Create
It would not be until I explored the writings of Dr. Joe Dispenza, that I would begin to understand what happened to me neurologically because of this 42 year-old event. We remember events in our lives based on what we felt during the event.
We remember experiences based on what we felt during the experience. The stronger the feeling, the stronger the change in our chemical makeup.
When this change occurs within our bodies, our brains will pick up this change and take an internal photo of the external experience and this becomes what we commonly call a memory.
Our memories and the correlating emotions become embedded neurologically in our brains and seared into our subconscious minds. My memories from this experience were ones of fear, paralyzing anxiety, and conflict.
Over time, my subconscious mind began to play out this memory of fear, anxiety, and conflict over and over and I became not just familiar with these feelings, but literally addicted to these feelings.
I began to unconsciously recreate moment experiences of distrust, fear, and anxiety that would give me a shot of stress hormones and adrenaline.
It became a high for me. This state of being became my norm. I was constantly seeking that high. I became addicted to these feelings.
In no time at all, I was a full-blown, down in the gutter addict.
Addicted to fear, distrust and anxiety. I was addicted to a memory and feelings from my childhood.
This biological response to seeking the chemical release of past experiences truly makes the past the present in our lives and keeps us stuck in an unconscious mental loop of suffering based on faulty hardwired belief systems.
When we become addicted to old emotions, our subconscious doesn’t differentiate between past or present states of being. It consequently continues to recreate events that reaffirm the emotions from the root experience.
If you, for example, between the ages of 0-7 experienced your family always arguing and fighting, your subconscious will recreate fighting and arguments in your present life.
You will feel what you felt as a child and strengthen the brain hardwiring and loop out and create more arguing and fighting.
This loop will also play out unconsciously within socially constructed groups.
When we are 0-7 years old, People of Color will receive messages and have experiences that will tell us that we are not beautiful, we are violent, that we must struggle and fight for existence, that we are in conflict with the world, or that we aren’t intelligent.
Once these messages are locked into our brains, we will loop out these messages on a collective and individual level. The architects of these messages from the 1600’s-1700’ knew the dark magic.
They understood that if you plant messages into the subconscious of socially constructed groups of people and provide supporting experiences to these messages, you will alter the consciousness of a people and could control that collective for generations.
Break The Loop
Fortunately, we at the Soul Focused Group believe there is a way out of this loop of suffering. As we soberly analyze behaviors, patterns of thinking, and habits in our lives, we will begin to recognize what was downloaded onto our subconscious hard drive.
The more we recognize and bring light to our subconscious program, the more we can have the power of choice.
Recognition can then lead to a conscious and intentional replacement of old patterns with new ways of being. Ways of being that will serve what we truly desire to experience with ourselves.
As we consciously replace old patterns, we will need to cement them by consistent repetition. Recognize, replace and repeat.
As I practice moving beyond my programming, I can feel my relationships heal, I experience a sense of inner peace and harmony and I am living much more intentionally in my life purpose.
None of us are doomed to the loop of suffering and as we take full responsibility for our lives and face the shadow within, we can unleash our natural expression and inherent greatness.
We deserve it and this world needs it.