“Our Children Are To Be Heard and Seen”
Our children come into our lives by choice. Their infinite Souls recognize our Souls, incarnated as human beings as the ones who will provide the optimal environment for their soul evolution in this earthly realm.
We choose our parents and your children choose you! You might say, we have a sacred covenant with our children.
Our children come to teach us and learn from us – as well as to experience themselves on this earth playground. Sadly, most of us are not truly conscious of this divine and awesome contract we have entered into with our little ones.
This lack of clarity around the true nature and purpose of the relationship with our children causes us to unwittingly project our unhealed egoic beliefs and toxic subconscious habits onto them.
As I reflect upon my parenting of my oldest son, who is now 23 years old, I can see the mistakes I made by not having the level of awareness around how to be a Soul Focused parent. In spite of my conscious mind’s desire, I repeated a lot of the messaging and behaviors of my parents that I experienced as a child.
Today, I can recognize how I taught my eldest that the authority of parents and adults must be blindly followed under the threat of punishment, time-out or verbal chastising and that what others think is best for him ought to be accepted as gospel truth, especially if they hold the exalted title of father or mother.
This was tyrannical behavior.
Unconsciously, these and many other messages I gave to him, sowed in him, an egoic belief system that the world knew better for him than his authentic self did.
Unknowingly, I trained him to seek external approval, to blindly follow authority and to engage in people-pleasing.
Because I hadn’t yet begun to address my subconscious paradigm, I projected onto him messages and normalization of my fear’s, being emotionally reactive and judgmental of others. This programming of my son wasn’t usually overt and surely didn’t result in a lack of love, as I love him to the furthest reach of the universe.
But this messaging seeped into his subconscious mind and watered the garden of his ego. Our children listen to our word’s but mostly listen to our examples. As parents, if we haven’t begun the process of reducing our ego footprint and interrogating our subconscious habits, we can’t avoid projecting our toxic shit onto our children’s impressionable mind’s.
“Any relationship without 2- way accountability is an abusive relationship.”
For 20 years, I taught the principle of accountability to thousands through the Undoing Racism process across the country. But today, being totally honest with myself, I must admit I never established full 2-way accountability with my son when he was a child.
Many times, I would give him some form of a directive, often for what I believed at the time to be for his well-being and invariably he would ask: “why?”. I would, of course, give him the timeless parental response of “because I said so.”
Now, again, who amongst us would accept this type of disrespectful answer from another adult? What are we teaching our kids when we respond to their genuine inquiry as petty ego despots?
We are teaching them that their questions don’t matter. For parents who choose to spank your children, you may remember hearing your parents say before they spanked you “ this will hurt me, more than it hurts you.”.
Talk about instilling cognitive dissonance!
I know for a fact that the spankings I received hurt me way more than the fully-grown man aggressively wielding the leather strap. We unknowingly normalize violence as a tool of communication. We teach our children that violence can solve problems and that violence can be used as a mechanism of controlling the behavior of others.
One should be able to easily imagine the direct correlation to this behavior of adults towards children and the myriad of social problems we see in our society today.
Imagine if you got spanked anytime you made a mistake today as an adult! We wouldn’t stand for it hopefully. Or maybe, in our ego states, we do allow ourselves to be “spanked” verbally, emotionally, and even physically as adults?
I believe we can and must do better as stewards of the next generation.
In this world of systemic oppression, unhappiness, and violence, it is incumbent upon parents to raise a new generation of children, fully in their power, who can begin to make right what generations before them got wrong.
It’s time for all of us as parents to take a more robust level of parental responsibility. The new world to come is demanding that we begin to establish Soul-Focused partnerships of mutual accountability with our kid’s.
Here are 3 initial steps we can take to begin to facilitate our journey as Soul- Focused parents:
- Recognize The Toxic Messaging You’ve Internalized
We must recognize that we have internalized some toxic messaging into our subconscious mind and these messages don’t serve us or our children being as powerful as we and they naturally are. Let’s begin to courageously analyze all of our core beliefs and normative habits and decide whether they produce the results we truly seek as parents.
Are these beliefs and habits a result of our natural expression or were they given to us by the world? Do these beliefs produce power and joy in us or our children?
Once we recognize our beliefs and habits, we can begin the process of choosing new actions beyond our programming.
- Engage In Consistent And Immediate Ego Reduction
Soul-Focused parenting calls for us to engage in consistent and immediate ego reduction. Let’s start with the understanding we are not our ego’s.
All of the stories about our past’s or futures, beliefs about ourselves and the identities we have embraced are not who we truly are. They are ego narratives and holders of the false self.
This false self will cause us to engage in parentally dysfunctional habits like constantly trying to please others, always criticizing others, needing to be better or smaller than another human being, habitually being in a state of conflict with others and engaging in self-destructive self-talk.
We must boldly but gently see and correct these habits in ourselves, so we don’t teach them to our children. We correct best by replacing ego habits with new soul values.
Instead of pleasing others, we can start to bring forward our most authentic selves, instead of being critical of someone, we can focus on what’s right about that person, beyond being better or smaller than another, we can embrace being equal to our highest self.
Instead of being in conflict with ourselves and others we can seek harmony, cooperation and always being 100% on our own side. Modeling soul values for our children is the greatest gift we could give them.
- Remember That The Power Inside Of Us Is Always Greater Than The Power Outside Of Us
Let’s begin to set examples for our children of us truly embracing and becoming as big as we naturally are. You have all of the power of the Universe inside of you.
Its time right now to stop lying to yourself and the world and settling for a cheaper and diminished version of yourself. There is no need to look outside of yourself for your value. You are inherently valuable because you exist.
Let us as Soul-Focused parents reject the ego-based messaging of this world that tells us to seek our worth outside of ourselves and instead set a shining example every moment of us reflecting for our children our eternal divine nature.
It’s time to model for our children the truth; we are not merely human beings; we are eternal soul beings of light having a human experience.
As I close this blog post, I am aware of the total awe that I feel for both of my children. Being their parent is truly my greatest gift from the universe.
While they are separated by 21 years, they both share the qualities of kindness, gentleness and creative brilliance that this world so desperately needs.
Wonderfully, my Soul Focused journey has opened up the opportunities to both reach back and heal past mistakes and continue to grow lovingly with my older son while practicing new and bold parenting with my youngest child.
We ought not to have any fear to ever seek forgiveness from our children and make living amends from our past unconscious parenting. We also must be aware enough to thank them for the many lessons they taught us and continue to bring to our lives. Soul to Soul we grow and Soul to Soul we live.